My Senior Citizen Humor Blog: Tetanus Shot

My Senior Citizen Humor Blog: Tetanus Shot
This is a great blog with some really funny senior citizen jokes. I hope you like it as much as I do!

The Problem

The problem isn't that people don't understand the odds, the reports or the statistics. It is that they aren't willing to change.

For example, take Cache Valley, Utah. This portion of the country has some of the oldest people of any County in the USA. This county also has one of the lowest nursing home bed census in the USA. Why is that? No one knows for sure, but there are some educated guesses:

1. This population gets more physical exercise. This is agricultural country - farmers. These people were raised on the farm - working hard from dawn to dusk. The majority of people don't do this today. Work is at a desk, not in the field. Farmers "exercised" by simply working. Cubicle workers don't exercise at work - and rarely at home.
2. This population lives healthier. The Mormon religion, or Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, is the predominant religion in the area. One of their core beliefs is the Word of Wisdom. Church members abstain from alcohol, tobacco, coffee & tea. They are also encouraged to eat good foods.
3. When you exercise and eat healthy you won't be caught dead in a nursing home. This population is a great example of staying healthy.
   

This example is of a group that is healthy due to necessity and religious belief - two areas that are more influential than simple being health for health sake. The point is to find your motivation and go for it.

The Situation

Some reports state that the odds of a house fire are one in 230, yet every home owner is actively doing something to protect against that. We have smoke alarms, home owners insurance & escape plans that we practice with our families.

More interesting odds:

Odds of bowling a 300 game: 11,500 to 1

Odds of getting a hole in one: 5,000 to 1

Odds of getting canonized: 20,000,000 to 1

Odds of being an astronaut: 13,200,000 to 1

Odds of winning an Olympic medal: 662,000 to 1

Odds of an American speaking Cherokee: 15000 to 1

Odds of injury from fireworks: 19,556 to 1

Odds of injury from shaving: 6,585 to 1

Odds of injury from using a chain saw: 4,464 to 1

Odds of injury from mowing the lawn: 3,623 to 1

Odds of fatally slipping in bath or shower: 2,232 to 1

Odds of drowning in a bathtub: 685,000 to 1

Odds of being killed on a 5-mile bus trip: 500,000,000 to 1
Odds of being killed in any sort of non-transportation accident: 69 to 1

Odds of being struck by lightning: 576,000 to 1

Odds of being killed by lightning: 2,320,000 to 1

Odds of being murdered: 18,000 to 1

Odds of getting away with murder: 2 to 1

Odds of being the victim of serious crime in your lifetime: 20 to 1

Odds of dating a supermodel: 88,000 to 1

Odds of being considered possessed by Satan: 7,000 to 1

Odds of getting hemorrhoids: 25 to 1

Odds of being born a twin in North America: 90 to 1

Odds of being on plane with a drunken pilot: 117 to 1

Odds of being audited by the IRS: 175 to 1

Odds of having your identity stolen: 200 to 1

Odds of dating a millionaire: 215 to 1

Odds of dating a supermodel: 88,000 to 1

Odds of writing a New York Times best seller: 220 to 1

Odds of finding out your child is a genius: 250 to 1

Odds of catching a ball at a major league ballgame: 563 to 1

Odds of becoming a pro athlete: 22,000 to 1

Odds of finding a four-leaf clover on first try: 10,000 to 1

Odds of a person in the military winning the Medal of Honor: 11,000 to 1

Odds of winning an Academy Award: 11,500 to 1

Odds of striking it rich on Antiques Roadshow: 60,000 to 1

Odds of getting a royal flush in poker on first five cards dealt: 649,740 to 1

Odds of spotting a UFO today: 3,000,000 to 1

Odds of becoming president: 10,000,000 to 1

Odds of winning the California lottery: 13,000,000 to 1

Odds of becoming a saint: 20,000,000 to 1

Odds of a meteor landing on your house: 182,138,880,000,000 to 1

Chance of dying from any kind of injury during the next year: 1 in 1,820

Chance of dying from intentional self-harm: 1 in 9,380

Chance of dying from an assault: 1 in 16,421

Chance of dying from a car accident: 1 in 18,585

Chance of dying from any kind of fall: 1 in 20,666

Chance of dying from accidental drowning: 1 in 79,065

Chance of dying from exposure to smoke, fire, and flames: 1 in 81,524

Chance of dying in an explosion: 1 in 107,787

Chance that Earth will experience a catastrophic collision with an asteroid in the next 100 years: 1 in 5,000

Chance of dying in such a collision: 1 in 20,000

Chance of dying from exposure to forces of nature (heat, cold, lightning, earthquake, flood): 1 in 225,107

Chance of dying in an airplane accident: 1 in 354,319

Chance of dying from choking on food: 1 in 370,035

Chance of dying in a terrorist attack while visiting a foreign country: 1 in 650,000

Chance of dying in a fireworks accident: 1 in 1,000,000

Chance of dying from overexertion, travel or privation: 1 in 1,428,377

Chance of dying from food poisoning: 1 in 3,000,000

Chance of dying from legal execution: 1 in 3,441,325

Chance of dying from contact with hot tap water: 1 in 5,005,564

Chance of dying from parts falling off an airplane: 1 in 10,000,000

Chance of dying from ignition or melting of nightwear: 1 in 30,589,556

Chance of dying from being bitten by a dog: 1 in 700,000

Chance of dying from contact with a venomous animal or plant: 1 in 3,441,325

Chance of dying from being bitten or struck by mammals (other than dogs or humans): 1 in 4,235,477

Chance of dying from a mountain lion attack in California: 1 in 32,000,000

Chance of dying from a shark attack: 1 in 300,000,000

Chance of having a stroke: 1 in 6

Chance of getting arthritis: 1 in 7

Chance of suffering from asthma or allergy diseases: 1 in 6

Chance of getting the flu this year: 1 in 10

Chance of contracting the human version of mad cow disease: 1 in 40,000,000

Chance of dying from SARS in the United States: 1 in 100,000,000

Chance of getting prostate cancer: 1 in 6

Chance of getting breast cancer: 1 in 9

Chance of getting colon / rectal cancer: 1 in 26

Chance of beating pancreatic or liver cancer: 1 in 9

Even though these odds are a little off topic, the point is your odds of ending up in a nursing home are nearly are much higher than all of these - nearly one in two, yet how many of us are actively doing something to protect against that?

Today is the day to decide to not let it happen to you. Subscribe to this blog to get the information you need to not be caught dead in a nursing home.

Welcome

Isn't the title a little insensitive? Couldn't you have come up with a better title?

Yes & yes, but political correctness aside, if you are reading this, the title accomplished its purpose, to get people to read. Yes, people; all people, not just old people, but young people, middle people, fat people, skinny people, people who climb on rocks.

Why me? I'm not old.

That's the point. The tricky part is - once you are really old, there is very little you can do to prevent a nursing home stay. So, the younger you are, the better chances you will give yourself. Also, nobody plans on moving to a nursing home. I don't see people who wake up in the morning and look at their calendar and see, "10:00 a.m., check into Shady Acres Nursing Home" "Yippee! I have been waiting years for this day! I am so glad I haven't taken care of myself so I can finally share a 300 square foot room with a person I don't know. We can listen to each other moan in pain and turn up "The Price Is Right" really loud and complain about how Drew Carey isn't nearly as good as Bob Barker."

The facts

• 43% of those people who turned age 65 in 1990 will enter a nursing home at some time during their life
• Among all persons who live to age 65
  
• 1 in 3 will spend three months or more in a nursing home
  
• 1 in 4 will spend one year or more in a nursing home
  
• 1 in 11 will spend five years or more in a nursing home

The reality:

While working at an assisted living community a few years back, an elderly woman's family came to me very distraught. Their mother who had been a bubbly & vivacious lady all her life had taken a turn. She didn't remember any of her kids; she could hardly remember her name; she was wandering out of her home and not being able to find her way home. They were afraid she would have to move to a nursing home. After meeting with Mom and the family some more, we were able to arrange to have her stay in our secure area.

After only a few days living with us, this woman made an incredible turnaround! Come to find out, while she was living alone, she wasn't taking her medications and all she was eating was Pepsi and chips! Amazing what proper medicating and nutrition can do. After a few weeks of monitoring, she was able to move out of the high care area where she was. She found herself enjoying life with her increased independence.

These is what I have to share - experiences from those who have been there. I share this so you don't have to go there.